A week or so ago I was talking with a friend about the things that God's growing me in and he asked was I writing it down anywhere? Before I could catch the answer, or sidestep the question, I told him yes. He then asked to see it and I think I tried to hide under the table, I certainly squirmed and wanted to.
The request stuck with me though and I bugged God about it, probably praying along the lines of, "You told me You'd use it to help people! People God; anonymous, don't know me, haven't met me, can't really judge me people! **** ******* ****** is not PEOPLE!!!!!!!!"
To which I got the reply, in calm and patient understanding, "I will use it for whoever I want, I'm growing you to be comfortable and confident about who you are in Christ, that means who you are, not who you'd like to pretend to be and I will wait til you're obedient"
Now before any of you think ill of God its worth stating that salvation comes free, but sanctification does not. I am saved, am going to heaven and am a child of God; all that came gratis when I asked Him to take me and my mess and fix me. The sanctification part is about me getting what I want from God, that is the things I have asked for him to do in my life; to grow me in the good things and weed out the bad. For that to happen I need to be obedient to Him so that He can continue to do a work in me.
So it probably comes as little surprise that a few days later, already burning, I told my friend the address. Now the reason I was preemptively burning is because I'm pretty sure that you're not supposed to talk about lust and sex as a Christian (certainly not graphically and certainly not as a Christian woman) by and large people seem to pretend it doesn't happen. So a few months ago when I was so wound up that my body was screaming and all I could do was think of lingerie, positions and scenarios for days on end I started to write it all down, to get it out of my system, to focus on the things above, about my reasons for choosing not to. This is primarily because I felt there was no one I could go to and say, "I'm having to wear mismatched underwear and avoid my boyfriend because I think I might screw him and I desperately DON'T want to" I'd sound like a crazy woman! By this point I quite feasibly was.
Nevertheless, out of these writings started to come my story, in dribs and drabs, on the back of envelopes, uni notes, church notices and whatever paper came to hand. It wasn't long before it was on my heart to collect the bits together and put them online so that God could use them to communicate and help. I was to be the abstinent Belle du Jour, well at least that was my understanding of it, God seems to have far less anonymous plans.
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